SELL BUY PROPERTY

Normally we love us a little avant garde architectural craziness served up by Pritzker Prize winning lady-architect Zaha Hadid. We really do. But, hunny boo boos, the just about completed residence outside Moscow she custom-did for the occasionally volatile supermodel Naomi Campbell and her downright hunky and soon-to-be-divorced Russian billionaire paramour, Vladisov Doronin, looks like an unholy union of an aerodynamic bicycle helmet and an equally aerodynamic air traffic control tower. Sorry gurl, but it does.

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Don Cornelius was a legend. He created and hosted Soul Train, fer chrissakes. His rustic flaired ranch house above Coldwater Canyon on the San Fernando Valley side of Mulholland Drive that's now on the market for $1,895,000? Not so much a legend maybe.

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We're not sure if husky voiced and titanic tittied reality t.v. cult figure Big Ang's rental macmansion on Staten Island (NY) sustained any damage from that beehawtch Hurricane Sandy but we sure hope it left the wax replica of her dog Louie's birthday cake intact. That's right. Y'all read that correctly.

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Sitcom actor and comedian Tim Allen's new house in Los Angeles thinks it's in Aspen or Wyoming.

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It's kinda old news now but did y'all hear that multi-billionaire hedge fund honcho John Paulson paid Saudi Prince Bandar bin Sultan $41,000,000 for Hala Ranch, a 90-acre spread near Aspen (CO) originally listed way back in 2006 with an elephantine and in hind sight wildly optimistic $135,000,000 price tag. Mister Paulson—he's the dude who raked in $3.7 billion short selling sub prime mortgages in 2007 and hoovered up another $5 billion in personal income in 2010—paid Prince Bandar another $8,000,000 for an adjacent 38 acre spread known at Bear Cabin that had not previously been up for sale.

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Everybody keeps asking Your Mama who coughed up $19,500,000 for the garishly dressed faux-chateau of bitterly divorcing duo Adrienne Maloof of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and plastic surgeon Paul Nassif. Well, children, as far as we can tell from a somewhat circuitous read of the property records, the 8 bedroom and 11 bathroom behemoth in the guard-gated Beverly Park community was purchased by a corporate entity attached to a Pakistani-American textile tycoon who happens to own another, smaller but no less—ahem—opulent mansion in Beverly Hills on the market for just under $13,000,000.

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Speaking of Beverly Park and Saudi princes....Your Mama can't confirm the scuttlebutt but a little birdie from deep inside the high end Platinum Triangle real estate game recently snitched that Oscar-winning producer Lili Zanuck (Driving Miss Daisy, The 72nd Annual Academy Awards, Cocoon), the new widow of Oscar-winning super-producer Richard Zanuck (Driving Miss Daisy, Dark Shadows, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Cocoon, Jaws, The Sugarland Express) has quietly sold their spacious estate in Beverly Park for about $21,500,000 to a Saudi prince.*

Various resources accessible online show the red brick Georgian style pile—located in the less gaudy, southern section of the bifurcated community—measures more than 17,000 square feet on more than four acres with two full guest houses, a home theater, a fully equipped fitness facility, tennis court, swimming pool and hundreds of specimen trees. Its perch on a gated and private promontory provide the estate with million dollar views that sweep down the mansion dotted canyons and extend across a vast swathe of the L.A. megalopolis from downtown to the Pacific Ocean.

*Property record data bases Your Mama accessed do not, as of today, reveal a transfer of ownership. Additionally, there are more prodigiously rich Saudi princes that Your Mama cares to count so we really have no idea which Saudi prince (allegedly) bought the Zanuck estate.

BUYER: Matthew Modine and Caridad Rivera
LOCATION: Venice, CA
PRICE: $2,450,000
SIZE: 2,030 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: First came word, in September (2012), from the real estate focused folks at The Real Deal and the property-obsessed kids at Curbed that 6-foot-4 star of stage and screen Matthew Modine (The Dark Knight Rises, Full Metal Jacket, The Hotel New Hampshire) had hoisted his duplex loft in New York City's Chelsea neighborhood on the market with an asking price of of $2,290,000. (More on that in a minute.)

This week, down the celebrity gossip grapevine, comes news that Mister Modine and his long-time wife, Caridad Rivera, have shelled out $2,450,000 for a very contemporary micro-compound located just a few tiny blocks off hip and hipsterish Abbott Kinney Boulevard in the proudly quirky and still a bit gritty but increasingly expensive ocean side community of Venice, CA.

Property records Your Mama peeped reveal the Venice property was purchased in October (2012) from music industry executive and private investor John Perenchio, the wealthy son of octogenarian multi-billionaire Spanish language television tycoon Jerry Perenchio. Papa Perenchio is, of course, one of the largest landowners in Malibu—he gives Larry Ellison a real estate run for his money—who also owns the Kirkeby Estate, an astonishing, opulent and leviathan chateau-style limestone pile in Bel Air that is most well known by pop culturists as the home of the oil-rich Clampett clan on the genius 1960s sitcom The Beverly Hillbillies but was also featured, even more prominently in its high-toned glory, in the 1960 Jerry Lewis movie Cinderfella. Anyoo...

Interestingly, as per documentation easily dug up online, the younger Mister Perenchio and his wife acquired the Venice property only 17 months earlier for $2,200,000. Since Your Mama does not know a ewe for a ewer, we really can't say whether or not the Ketchum, Idaho-based Perenchios purchased the Venice property for their own use or why, after less than 1.5 years, they flipped it back on the market September (2012) with an asking price of $2,395,000.

Did y'all catch that? That's right, butter beans, Mister Modine coughed up $55,000 more than the asking price, an strong indication there may have been at least one other seriously interested party in the two-structure micro-compound that sits on a minuscule, .07 acre parcel on one of Venice's most desirable walk streets* and contains a total of 2 bedrooms and 2.5 bathrooms in 2,030 airy square feet of bifurcated interior space.

Listing information from the time of its last sale shows the house was completed in 2003 and designed by eco-oriented Venice-based architect David Hertz at the Studio of Environmental Architecture. As a slight aside, handsome Mister Hertz is also responsible for the earthy and airy, U-shaped contemporary prominently featured on the long-running Californication program with David Duchovny.

The somewhat loosely-defined front entrance of Mister Modine's new digs in Venice opens off a small, gated and grassy front yard and into a roomy, open concept living space finished with radiant heated polished concrete floors and a soaring, exposed concrete ceiling that appears to magically float above the walls. An elegantly restrained and muscular steel staircase divides the living space from the dining area and expensively equipped but barely-there in-line kitchen. Clearly, children, this is not a kitchen conducive to the preparation of elaborate, multi-course meals. It is, however, perfectly suited to coffee making coffee, gin & tonic mixing and unpacking take away from Gjelina.

A full wall of floor-to-ceiling glass opposite the front door eliminates any visual distinction between the interior living area and the micro-compound's primary organizing feature, a bridge-crossed courtyard with outdoor lounge area that both separates and links the two-story main house and the additional flexi-use space perched solidly atop a detached three car garage. The outdoor lounge area, tucked under a deep overhang on a slightly raised concrete pad, is well anchored by a massive steel fireplace and chimney breast that not only warms the outdoor area but successfully obscures visibility from the neighboring, two story house.

The open concept concept on the lower floor continues up on the second floor that consists of a flexi-use den/office area, the master bedroom and the master bathroom. The only real barriers between the three spaces are walls that stop well short of the ceiling. This is great thing for air circulation and light penetration but, seriously, if a person farts in the bathroom someone with reasonably good hearing can most certainly hear it and probably smell it in the flexi-use den/office. Crude as that may be to speak about, that's a real damn concern and far as Your Mama is concerned.

A floor-to-ceiling glass slider in the bedroom connects to a small terrace with solid, privacy enhancing parapet wall. Conversely, in the adjoining bathroom there's a much less privacy enhancing shower stall lined from the tits up on two exterior walls with clear glazing. Unless Mister and/or Missus Modine harbor a streak of exhibitionism or can tolerate the nosy neighbor making insinuating and judgmental double entendres about their hair washing techniques,*** this shower window situation will need to be remedied with sometime much more opaque.

The floating steel staircase continues up from the master bedroom into a sky-lit well that pierces the roof and opens to a two-sided terrace with wrap around views. The roof terrace is—to be sure—a fab feature, the perfect place to sunbathe sans suit and/or soak up the salty morning mist that often envelops coastal California communities. However, it should be noted that if Mister and/or Missus Modine want to invite friends and/or family up to the roof top terrace for a sundown cocktail they'll also have to invite them to traipse completely through their bedroom—or their bathroom—to access the staircase. This is not, for obvious reason, an ideal scenario, especially if the homeowner gorged themselves on chili dogs at lunch like Your Mama did.

The flexi-use den/office space has an entire wall of floor-to-ceiling windows and glass sliders that peel back to an open air sleeping porch with fireplace and a bridge that spans the courtyard between the two structures. The bridge leads to another expanse of floor-to-ceiling windows and glass sliders that open to yet another flexi-use room atop the three car garage with private bathroom. The commodious space could easily be utilized for an endless variety of purposes...guest suite, home office, hookah lounge, meditation space, media room, art studio, S/M parlor or whatever other purpose a person may require or fancy.

Your Mama does not know if the new crib in Venice signals a permanent move to Los Angeles for Mister and Missus Modine but we do know that back in New York City, in an area of Chelsea that remains—as far as we know—without power due to the wicked onslaught of super-storm Sandy, the Modine's ground floor and basement level duplex loft remains on the open market with an asking price of $2,290,000.

Current listing information shows the two-floor apartment measures 1,668 square feet and contains one real bedroom and 2.5 bathrooms. There are, according to marketing materials that include a promotional video narrated by Mister Modine himself, 17 foot ceiling on the upper level and Nordic ash flooring throughout the main living spaces except in the kitchen where the wood was replaced with a more durable and easier to clean limestone.

The open plan living space stretches approximately 31 feet, according to the floor plan. There's a wall of windows at the living room end, a dining space in the middle and, at the other end, just off the spacious entrance hall, a sleek, limited edition all glass kitchen manufactured in Italy. By "all glass" Your Mama assumes that means the cabinets are faced with glass and not that literally everything is actually made of glass.

The upper level master bedroom—downright puny by suburban standards but decent sized by New York City standards—opens directly off the main living space and offers two custom-fitted closets, a smaller one tucked inconveniently behind the door from the living room and the other a walk-in and -through situation that connects the bedroom to the small and windowless but well-outfitted bathroom with rusty-looking stone tile flooring, minty-grey glass-tiled walls, a floating wood vanity (with just one sink) and a glass-shielded walk-in shower with one of those really annoying rain head showers and and even more annoying multiple body spray nozzles.****

Mister and Missus Modine—or their lady or nice-gay decorator—have counter-balanced the boxy, unadorned architecture of their master bedroom with warm Mission style furniture, dozens of artworks hung salon style on two walls, and a double-layer of multi-textured curtains, a privacy-protecting sheer under heavy black and white brocade drapes that extend dramatically from the ceiling to the floor.

Mister Modine himself stated in the promotional video he made to help sell the apartment, the flexi-use lower level—marked as a "rec room" on the floor plan—was used by his family as the bedroom for one of his two daughters. The lower level room has a wide wall of windows and glass doors that peel back to an ipe wood decked outdoor space that doesn't look to be completely private.

Besides the fact that there's only a half bathroom on the lower level that means that every time a resident or guest wants to take a bath or have a shower they have to haul their hiny up a full flight of stairs to the bathroom just off the entrance hall. Also a wee bit problematic for those who might use the "rec room" as a bedroom, the laundry room is also down there. That means when Laverne shows up on Thursday morning and wants to wash the week's kitchen linens and under things you had better be up and out of bed because you know that lady don't tolerate a lazy bones who sleeps past seven.

The sale price includes one of the largest storage units available in the building and that the apartment is pre-wired for high-speed internet and cable television, which is kind of ironic since Mister Modine reportedly does not even own a damn television.*****

Listing information shows the monthly taxes and common charges total $3,101 and that the fairly recently converted, pre-war building—formerly the Press building and re-christened as Loft 25—offers a 24-hour attended lobby with a garden view mail pick-up center and residents only screening/conference room and separate fitness center.

There's also a 5,000 square foot pet-friendly roof terrace with barbecue station, outdoor shower and—as it turns out—a head on view of London Terrace, the very building where Your Mama and The Doctor Cooter lived when we resided in New York City. Over the years we lived at London Terrace we occupied several apartments and ground floor office spaces in various sections of the massive, mixed-use pre-war complex but we are 100% certain the 16th floor bedroom of the last apartment we occupied before we packed it up and schlepped it west five years ago had a perfect view down onto this the still not quite finished roof top.

But we digress into a powerful nostalgia brought on by the horrific impact of Sandy on New York City and the surrounding communities, states and regions.

Listing information states that Mister Modine's Chelsea loft is just steps from the High Line park in the heart of Chelsea's gallery district. And it is, which is a good thing iffin you like the High Line. (And who, pray tell, does not like the High Line?) However, what listing information does not indicate is that the building is also directly across the street from a substantial low-income housing project. We lived there for years without giving this proximity to housing project more than a passing thought but we're certain there are uptown types who would step out of a cab and immediately think, "Oh, hell no."

*A walk street residence, just as its name suggests, is only accessible along a lane too narrow to accommodate anything wider than a wheelchair or golf cart. Automobiles are not aloud on a walk street. Automobile access to the property in question as well as most other walk-street residences in Venice is restricted to a separate alley way. 

**We're quite sure that there are swarming hordes of people of all creeds and financial abilities who love them a rain head shower and/or body spray nozzles like nobody's bizness but Your Mama just finds all that a lot of unnecessary hooey. Although we have experienced them, never in our life have we ever sat on the damn sofa and thought it would just be so magnificent and relaxing to stand butt-nekkid in the shower and be pelted by powerful water jets from all angles on every part of our body. No thank you. Anyhoo...

***Naturally, Your Mama has no idea of Mister and Missus Modine's new neighbors in Venice are nosy and/or at all the least bit concerned with their individual hair washing techniques.

****We know some people love a rain head shower and multiple body sprayers like a bear loves honey but, hunnies, we simply do not care to stand butt-nekkid in the shower and be pelted and bruised by waters shooting out of God knows where at every part of our tender-skinned body. No thank you, please.

*****We can not confirm or deny that Mister Modine does or does not actually own a television. We read it on the Internet Movie Data Base. But if he doesn't then we say, "gee-awhed, not another Tinseltowner without a television. Do we spot a trend?

listing photos and floor plan (New York City): Halstead
listing photos (Venice): Pardee Properties

SELLERS: Brooke Smith and Steven Lubensky
LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,649,000
SIZE: 2,878 square feet, 4-5 bedrooms, 2.75 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The other day, as we aimlessly sifted though some of the newer listings in Los Angeles, Your Mama ran across a (somewhat) modestly scaled and urbanely-dressed two story traditional listed with a $1,649,000 asking price that set off all our celebrity real estate bells. A cursory tuck into the property records left us stymied but our freakishly well-informed friend and informant Lucy Spillerguts told Your Mama—and we later managed to confirm with a more careful if roundabout perusal of the property records—that the house in question is owned by television and movie actress Brooke Smith and her arty-farty Russian-born cinematographer husband Steven Lubensky.

Miz Smith might not be a household name like Blackman Cruz shopping romcom/sitcom star Jenny Aniston or pop music matron X-Tina Aguilera but, children, she has a downright proper Tinseltown pedigree. Her mother, Lois Smith, was a beloved, quietly powerful—and retired—Old-School publicist to the stars who—may she rest in peace—very recently died in a freak accident whilst staying in a bed and breakfast in Maine. Her long roster of superstar clients included—as per her recent obits in The Hollywood Reporter and The New York Times—Marylin Monroe, Robert Redford, Meryl Streep, Martin Scorcese, Liza Minelli, Whitney Houston, Rosie O'Donnell and Warren Beatty. This lady was serious Hollywood business, we tell y'all.

The younger Miz Smith, Brooke, grew up in and around New York City and—so the story goes—was once roommates with indie-cult favorite musician Jeff Buckley who drown in a Memphis (TN) river in 1997 at just 29 years old. Daughter Smith—that's Brooke—started up her ladder of Showbiz fame in the late 80s and in 1991 she landed a plum role as the young woman at the bottom of the well in The Silence of the Lambs with that skin-suit sewing and organ eating Hannibal Lector played by a pitch-perfect Anthony Hopkins. Remember that? A few years later she appeared in the splendidly bleak 1994 Louis Malle film Vanya on 42nd Street, which happens to be the very first film Your Mama ever saw in a movie theater in New York City. More recently Miz Smith has had recurring and/or prominent roles on a slew of television programs (Six Feet Under, Law & Order, Crossing Jordon, Weeds and Grey's Anatomy) and will soon be seen in the upcoming silver screen drama Labor Day with Kate Winslet and James Van Der Beek.

Anyhoodles poodles, property records reveal Miz Smith and her Russian hubby paid $1,643,000 in August 2008 for their margarine-colored residence located on a leafy, tree lined street in the Hollywood- and West Hollywood-adjacent Sunset Square neighborhood of Los Angeles. We happen to love this particular neck of L.A. quasi-urban fabric but we've heard more than a few high-nosed real estate snobs we know over-dramatically poo-poo the 'hood as being too, well, 'hoodish. We just roll our boozy eyes at them because—pleeze—this taint the 'hood, children. It's not East Gate Bel Air, but it's hardly Compton, okay?

Current listing information shows the completely updated and upgraded abode sits tightly on a compact, .16 acre lot, was originally built in 1921 and measures a roomy but far from large 2,878 square feet with 4-5 bedrooms and 2.75 bathrooms.

An intimate foyer and stair hall joins the deeply inset front porch to the sparely furnished and internationally flavored "formal" living room that's nicely outfitted with wide-plank peg and groove hardwood floors, a bookcase flanked fireplace and two sets of magnificent floor-to-ceiling French door style windows that—when the curtains are pulled open—expose the room to just about anyone who might be stroll or roll past on the street or sidewalk.

Your Mama is pleased to report that someone had the smarts and took the time and effort to design—or re-design—the main floor living spaces to connect through perfectly aligned double-wide doorways between the living and dining room—where there are more floor-to-ceiling French door style windows—and between the dining room and kitchen. The enfilade-style alignment injects an elegant architectural formality to the decidedly casual and lightly funky but very purposefully curated and decorated main floor living spaces.

The chestnut-colored wood floors in the living and dining room switch to a bright, blood red stain or paint in the galley-style eat-in kitchen. While this isn't exactly our "style" it's none-the-less, by our utterly meaningless estimation, a well-conceived and nicely executed kitchen with beamed and vaulted ceilings, snow white Shaker style cabinets topped with swanky Carrara marble, top-grade commercial style stainless steel appliances and a built-in corner breakfast banquette nicely juiced up with a Eero Saarinen designed Tulip table...or maybe it's the not half bad and considerably less expensive Ikea knock off. Whatever the case...

There's a second built-in banquette in the adjoining, main floor den/library/family room where Miz Smith and Mister Lubensky—and/or their lady or nice-gay decorator—installed a dark patterned wallpaper, played an abstract painting off a simple still life and filled the floor-to-ceiling book shelves with actual books.

A main floor bedroom with direct access to the backyard and easy access to a three-quarter bathroom makes a private guest or domestic space and the four other potential bedrooms upstairs spoke off around a spacious central landing. Two bedrooms—plus a third currently used as an office—share a vintage-style bathroom with black and white diamond-checked tile floor, a single pedestal sink and a white-tiled tub/shower combination.

The Master bedroom itself isn't particularly large but it does have a closet lined and privacy promoting entry vestibule, lots of windows including a Juliet balcony, a bedroom-sized walk-in closet/dressing room and an attached bathroom with marble topped double sink vanity, separate glass-enclosed stall shower and a jetted tub for two set into a window- and sky-blue tile-lined niche with palm tree views.

Several main floor rooms, including the kitchen, open to a T-shaped and bougainvillea draped covered porch that really couldn't be more charming if vine-draped covered porches float your real estate boat. A tree shaded grass patch over looked by a tree house separates the back of the house from a trellis shaded outdoor dining area at rear of the property with built-in brick barbecue station.

The slim, gated concrete driveway that runs up along side the house stops short of the detached two-car garage at the back corner of the property that may or may not currently be used for parking cars.

Where the Smith-Lubenskys plan to decamp—they have two small children—isn't known. Until the lat few years they maintained East Coast outposts but, as far as Your Mama can tell they don't currently own any property in New York and it. In May 2008, right about the time they bought the house in Los Angeles they now have for sale, the couple sold a small property in High Falls, NY to actor Willem Dafoe for $393,000 and in December 2010 they sold a renovated and updated two bedroom and two bathroom co-operative apartment in a dignified pre-war building on Riverside Drive for $1,250,000.

listing photos: Sotheby's International Realty

BUYERS: Ice-T and Coco
LOCATION: Edgewater, NJ
PRICE: $2,199,000 (list)
SIZE: 4,200 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms

NOTE TO THE CHILDREN: In light of the devastating effects of the psychotic storm Sandy, Your Mama thought maybe today we should just give it a damn rest. "Who needs this kinds of stoopid celebrity real estate frivolity at a time like this?" we said to The Dr. Cooter as he scooted out the door at the crack of dawn. For Chrissakes. We can be a real beotch, but we are not heartless. Sometime in the late mid-morning, having touched based with most of our East Coast people who all—thankfully—made it through rattled but unharmed, we grew weary of the non-stop cable news coverage. We needed a break and thought that maybe a little celebrity real estate dish could maybe be a momentary respite for one or two of the children. We sincerely mean no disrespect to anyone who grappled with and/or continues to deal with the destructive seriousness of Sandy. Okay? Onward we go now...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama does not (regularly) watch the reality program Ice Loves Coco but iffin we did we'd know that Grammy-winning rapper-actor Ice-T (Law & Order: SVU, New Jack City), his Showbizzing wife Coco and her SUV-sized backside recently acquired a very contemporary—and still under construction—single family residence just across the Hudson River from Manhattan in the river side community of Edgewater, NJ.

Before we set our celebrity real estate sights on their new digs, let's have some background education and a short go at their current crib, shall we?

The couple legally hitched their life and love wagons in 2001 and in August 2003 they sold Ice's long-time bachelor pad in Los Angeles, a nearly 4,000 square foot roost high above the Sunset Strip on sexy and dangerously curvy Sunset Plaza Drive. Property records show Ice had owned the house since at least the mid-1990s and unloaded it for exactly $2,000,000 to a gentleman who owns—or once owned, we're not sure if he still owns it or not—a high profile nightclub in West Hollywood that caters primarily to homosexuals and those who like to pal around with them and where a whole gaggles of those shade-slinging painted ladies from RuPaul's Drag Race* perform every Monday night at 10:30.

Anyhoo, the sassy, brassy and suh-waggy yet genuinely likable couple decamped for the East Coast—Ice was raised up in Newark and Alpine, NJ—where they settled into a penthouse rental on the Upper West Side with a glorious view of the Hudson River. At some point, we don't really know when because we don't actually know them, Ice T and Coco decided they were ready to plant some real estate roots in the New York City area.

After they decided they could not or did not care to spend the vast sums of money required to purchase a Manhattan apartment of the size, quality and location they desired** the couple shifted their search to the other side of the mighty Hudson River. In September 2005 they found their real estate nirvana and shelled out, according to property records we peeped, $1,500,000 for a 2,161 square foot duplex penthouse atop a boxy and glassy contemporary building in someplace called North Bergen, NJ, between the Hudson River side communities of Edgewater and Guttenberg, the proud home of the insanely amazing Mitsuwa Marketplace.

We have no idea how the tri-terraced penthouse looked at the time of their purchase but we do know from at least one video easily accessible on the internets that they made the decoratively inexplicable decision to cover the Brazilian hardwood floors with plum-colored wall-to-wall carpeting, added custom built-ins for the flat screen and audio/visual equipment and—natch—put in a big ol' fish tank that glows blue at night.

They converted one of the three original bedrooms into a walk-in closet/dressing room for Coco and her extensive collection of high-heeled shoes and kitted out a windowless, bathroom-sized space hidden behind a paneled wall in the living room as an office/music studio—ahem—"man cave" for Ice.

Somewhere in there they installed—brace yerselves, butter beans—a goddamn stand-up tanning booth that ever-tan Coco uses to keep her skin that unnatural tawny tone she seems to prefer. Well, bless her heart. Doesn't she know that a lot of doctors, scientists and researchers surmise that tanning beds might have something to do with the uptick in melanoma rates, particularly with young women? Let's call her warned.

Other notable features of the top floor duplex include a living room area with soaring ceiling and sweeping river and city views, a separate dining space, an open-concept kitchen, a master bathroom with separate shower and jetted tub and a state-of-the-art home automation system that controls the lighting, window treatments and a/v equipment. The boutique building offers doorman services, a residents only fitness facility and on-site parking—there are two covered spots deeded to Ice T and Coco's penthouse, according to listing information.

Although the couple's penthouse does not appear to be listed on the open market, as of early August (2012) it was shown on the the website of the couple's camera-friendly real estate agent as being available for private showings with an asking price of $979,000.

A few quick clickety-clacks of the well-worn beads of Your Mama's bejeweled abacus reveals that even with a full price sale—it could happen, right?—Mister Ice T and his lady Coco are still faced with a jolting loss of $521,000, not counting carrying costs, improvements and customizations and the attendant real estate fees.

The couple have used their reality show to showcase their decision to sell their penthouse and purchase a new and larger residence where they'll have more room for man-caves, shoe shelves and guests, like, say, one of Mister Ice's children or grandchildren. That's right, hunties, Coco is the step-grandmother of two young children. Imagine that! That really takes the cherry off Your Mama's step-grandmother story. Ours was a worldly and wickedly smart, Mercedes-driving professor of economics who happened to deal a little dope on the side. Swear. To. God. Ask Sister Woman.

Anyhoo, last November, Ice and Coco's real estate agent posted on her blog in November 2011 that "Law & Order star, Ice T and his entrepreneurial muse Coco" had "unexpectedly found their perfect home" in a not-yet-completed contemporary under construction on the cliffs of Edgewater (NJ). The blog report showed a photograph*** of a sun splashed open-plan living/dining/kitchen space (above) with fireplace and wall of nearly floor to ceiling windows through which can be seen a slender, negative edge pool and an unimpeded view across the Hudson River towards the always spectacular, sky-scraper strewn New York City skyline.****

According to listing information squirreled out of the interweb plus a few tidbits revealed by their real estate agent on her blog Your Mama surmises that, when completed sometime near the end of this year (2012), Ice and Coco's new crib in Edgewater will sit up a gated—and heated—driveway and have about 4,200 fully customized square feet on four floors with an elevator and a 12-zone geothermal heating and cooling system "plus a 'man cave' for him (a six car garage) and a 550 sqft closet for her, which Ice affectionally [sic] calls the 'bitch cave.'" Now that's, klassy with "k," ain't it?

To be honest, puppies, Your Mama hadn't given any of this Ice and Coco real estate bizness more than a fraction of a second of thought until we heard from those Bizzy Boys at Celebrity Address Aerial who snitched to Your Mama that, after a great deal of research, they managed to locate Ice and Coco's new house in Edgewater, even though the various property records data bases they make use of do not yet reflect their ownership of said house. Listing images still accessible online are, however, a dead match to the one on Ice and Coco's real estate agent's blog. Make of that what you will.

A few minutes additional poking around by yours truly and we determine the couples contemporary new home is well sited for privacy near the base of the palisades that shoot up along the the western shore of the Hudson and was designed as a mirror image (above in rendering) of the one directly across the shared driveway.***** We also discovered the house sits at the tail end of a nondescript, up sloping cul-de-sac lined with—well—let's be nice and say it's lined with much more prosaic, ordinary and less expensive-looking single family houses.

Their real estate agent promises in a November 2011 blog post that the couple's brief property search and their first tour of the house they actually bought will be chronicled on the second season of their show, Ice Love Coco, and Your Mama presumes that should there be a third season, the new house and it day-core will be prominently featured. Well, at least in the hideous aftermath of Sandy we have that to look forward too, don't we?

Back in November 2011 their real estate agent revealed, again on her blog, that Ice and Coco also maintain residences in Arizona and Florida. Your Mama doesn't find any immediate evidence they own any property in Arizona. That doesn't mean Ice and Coco don't own any property in Arizona, only that we could find no evidence of such a thing.

They actually sold their three bedroom and three bathroom penthouse in Sunny Isles, FL—that's due north of South Beach just south of Golden Beach—back in June (2012) for $1,290,000, a significant amount less than the $1,530,000 they paid for the place back in August 2007.



UPDATE (Next day): It seems the couple have yet to move into their new crib yet as Coco posted a video on the YouTube of her (and her colossal cleavage canyon) standing in the wind and pelting rain on the balcony of their Edgewater penthouse as Sandy barreled ashore.

*Neither Your Mama nor The Dr. Cooter will apologize for thinking that the world is a better place with RuPaul's Drag Race in it. It just is.

**We have no information at all about the couple's current or previous financial capabilities and they very likely opted to live in Jersey for any or many reasons that may may not have had anything to do with their pecuniary position.

***It might be a rendering, we're not sure.

****At least it's "always spectacular" to those who feel urban vistas.

*****The two adjacent homes that share a gated driveway and garage apron may or may not be exact mirror images when completed although they appear that way on the online available listings and marketing materials.

exterior photo (North Bergen): Google Maps
listing photos (Edgewater): Liberty Realty via Zillow

BUYER: Adam Levine
LOCATION: Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $4,380,000
SIZE: 6,539 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Its no surprise to anyone in the celebrity real estate gossip game that tatted-up and famously promiscuous model-squiring Maroon 5 lead singer turned televised singing contest judge (The Voice) has been on the hunt for new digs in Tinseltown.

Back in early September, in fact, our trusted informant Butty Butterlips tattled to Your Mama that Mister Levine was allowing one of Tinseltown's more successful real estate agents to quietly shop his house—a low-slung, contemporary art-filled one-bedroom bachelor pad perched on a private hillside above Bronson Canyon in the star-studded Los Feliz area—with an asking price in the high three millions and back in March 2012 the property was featured in a glossy and adoring article in Architectural Digest, often but not always a sign a celeb-owned home is or will soon go up for sale.

What did come as a bit of a surprise, at least to Your Mama, was an covert communique we received today from an inside source who snitched that Mister Levine has already quietly acquired up a new crib in the Benedict Canyon area of Beverly Hills. Redfin agent Corina Galen says, "Benedict Canyon in Beverly Hills is a great area for celebrities. There are a lot of homes with spectacular views and plenty of privacy, which makes it a hot spot for high profile clients."

A quick perusal of property records confirms that Mister Levine, through the same trust that shows up on the deeds and documentation for his home in Los Feliz, paid $4,380,000 for the so-called Benedict House, a 3.66 acre gated estate on a canyon view ridge in a small, gated enclave high above Bev Hills called Wallingford Estates.

Listing information shows the sprawling, single story ranch house was originally built in 1940, measures in at 6,539 square feet and contains a total of six bedrooms and seven bathrooms. Although "meticulously maintained," listing information suggests there's more than enough room to custom build a monstrous 20,000 square foot house. As he did with his previous home, Your Mama fully expects Mister Levine will bring in Mark Haddawy—or some other equally skilled and well-compensated lady or nice-gay decorator-designer—to doctor up transform the undeniably deluxe but decoratively anemic ranch style residence into something more befitting a sexed-up rock star. However, we don't have any reason to think he'll knock the house down to make way for a behemoth Beverly Park-style faux-French chateau or massive mock-Tuscan extravaganza. That just doesn't seem his style but, then again, what do we know? Nuthin', that's what.

Anyhoo, a long, gated driveway adds to the property's serene sense of privacy and seclusion as it sweeps across the property to a large motor court partially girdled by the main house, attached two car garage and separate studio space suitable for conversion to a screening room, guest house and/or music studio.

Pegged wood floors in the small, lackluster entrance hall continue into the formal living and dining rooms as well as into a spacious den/office complete with a fireplace and a wide bank of windows that reach from the floor almost to the ceiling.

The open plan informal living space(s) include a roomy center island kitchen with granite counter tops, ordinary white raised-panel cabinetry, a pair of dishwashers and a freakishly expensive range. A high breakfast bar separates the kitchen from a wood-floored family room with vaulted sky-lit and wood-beamed ceiling, a built in entertainment center, fireplace and French doors to the outdoor entertaining areas. An adjoining home office/craft space has a wrap-around built-in desk and cabinetry.

The back of the house opens to a tree-ringed backyard with multi-level, brick-accented stone terracing, a flat grassy pad, a vaguely piano-shaped swimming pool spa and an elevated circular spa. Set mostly out of view below the driveway towards the front of the property, a lighted championship-sized tennis court overs over the canyon in the tree tops.

As of today, based on a quick study of various property record data bases, Mister Levine continues to own his Los Feliz area residence that is not listed for sale on the open market.

listing photos: Rodeo Realty via Redfin

SELLER: Leontyne Price
PRICE: $5,000,000
SIZE: 2,800 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Over the weekend Your Mama received an unexpected missive from a musically-inclined informant we'll call Ari A. Appreciator who thoughtfully let us know that word had begun to make its way though the international opera community that the New York City townhouse of the near-peerless soprano Leontyne Price has popped up for sale with a $5,000,000 price tag.

Miz Price, long retired and now in her late 80s, picked up her downtown townhouse located in the bustling SoHo adjacent southern flank of the West Village way back in 1962 for an unknown amount of money that we can all be assured was a slim fraction of its current asking price. This real estate acquisition would have been the year after her legendary debut at The Met in January 1961, a debut, children, that brought down the damn house with a electrifying ovation that lasted 35 minutes—or 42 minutes, depending on what one reads. Either way, people hooted, hollered and clapped 'til their palms burned and throats went hoarse with adulation and adoration for Miz Price's rare, richly fluid and diligently controlled vocal acrobatics.

Among her many subsequent accolades and accomplishments, Miz Price sang at the 1965 inauguration for and 1973 state funeral of President Lyndon B. Johnson and, in 1978, at the invitation of President Jimmy Carter, she gave a nationally televised recital at the White House. She was selected as a Kennedy Center honoree in 1980, was given a prestigious National Medal of the Arts in 1985, and in the late 1990s wrote a children's book version of the Verdi's Aida that Elton John and Tim Rice turned into a Broadway musical of the same name. She maintained a recital and concert career well into her 70s and earned herself 13 Grammy Awards plus a Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award.

Oh, and did Your Mama mention Miz Price is black? It might seem like an unnecessary detail to mention nowadays but, children, when Miz Price rose to the pinnacle of the operatic mountain top in the 1950s and '60s and bought herself a townhouse in New York City, Jim Crow was still the law of the land in the United States. Think about that for a moment, because what Miz Price achieved both on and off the stage was, quite simply, extraordinary.

Anyhoo, current listing information shows the fairly unassuming and clearly down-on-her-heels red-brick Federal style townhouse was originally built in 1829 and asks prospective buyers to note that the "faded beauty" sits within a designated Landmarks District. Its Landmarks District location will require the next owner(s) to seek and obtain permission from the Landmarks Preservation Commission (LPC) in order to repair and/or alter just about anything and everything both inside and outside the house. Some people might find the requirements and restrictions of the LPC to be cumbersome and constricting, but preservation-minded people might suggest to those folks they simply ought not buy a building in one of the city's numerous landmarks districts, thereby sparing them that particular headache and hassle.

As depicted on the floor plan included with current marketing materials, the four-story townhouse measures in at about 2,800 square feet with three bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms, at least 4 fireplaces that may or may not be in working order, four over-sized storage rooms and an unusually deep but pitifully neglected backyard.

The parlor floor living room—with mirrored fireplace flanked by built-in floor-to-ceiling book cases and some truly tawdry, olive green wall-to-wall carpeting that looks like it saw its better days two decades or more ago—is hardly huge but at 24-feet long does stretch almost the full depth of the house. At its rear end, the living room connects to a puny, nine-foot-square study that overlooks the un-tended backyard. Also on the parlor level, just off the foyer that, like the living room, elegantly extends the full length of the house, there's a privately located half bathroom for guests and a large, walk-in storage room.

Along with a somewhat useless vestibule and a street-side dining room with a fireplace, the kitchen—miniscule such as it appears on the floor plan—is located in the partly below street level basement. There's also an over-sized utility room and, tucked way way way in the back and accessed only through one of two walk-in storage rooms stuck like warts to the back of the house, there's a supermodel slender bathroom that has, as far as Your Mama can tell, just two redeeming qualities. The first is that it exists at all—an inconveniently located closet size pooper is better than none at all—and the second is that it offers a wee window for ventilation.

Miz Price's private chamber—the exact same size as the living room as per the floor plan—occupies the entire third floor and offers a fireplace, four closets plus a linen closet in the hall and a separate dressing room. The master bathroom, with separate tub, shower and street view, appears on the floor plan to only be accessible by exiting the bedroom and crossing the stair landing. This is, obviously, not ideal and—with an o.k. by the LPC, natch—would require immediate remedy should Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter buy this house, which—of course—we aren't.

There are two more bedrooms and a walk-in storage room tucked tightly under the eaves on the top floor. No doubt due to the sloping roof lines, the lone bathroom on the top floor is only—and unfortunately—accessible to occupants of one bedroom by passing through the other.

It's not difficult for Your Mama to see how a smart architect—a whole lotta money and the LPC's approval—could maintain and enhance the architectural integrity of the structure and transform Miz Price's worn out and chopped up townhouse into a well-organized if somewhat petite townhouse that meets with the demands and requirements of a wealthy New Yorker who isn't looking for a 12,000 square foot Beaux Arts behemoth with a swimming pool in the sub-basement and a hot tub on the roof.

We have no inside intel on where Miz Price plans to decamp but Your Mama hopes she will realize enough proceeds from the sale of her long-time New York City residence to keep her comfortably for the rest of her life.

listing photos and floor plan: Brown Harris Stevens