SELL BUY PROPERTY

SELLER: Pam Anderson
LOCATION: Malibu, CA
PRICE: $7,750,000
SIZE: 2,752 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama certainly ain't tellin' anybody a damn thing about former Baywatch babe Pam Anderson's money woes, unpaid tax issues and sundry real estate meshugganuh, all of which has been covered at length and ad infinitum by others in the tabloid and celebrity real estate gossip media.

To quickly recap: In the last days of 2000 Miz Anderson coughed up $1,800,000 for a land-side fixer upper in the guard-gated and star-studded Colony enclave in Malibu (CA). She spent years and God only knows how many millions on eco-minded overhaul and re-imagining of the original 1959 cottage led by architect Philip Vertoch of Vertoch Design Architects and designer Josh Chrisant of Chryssanthou.

In November 2011, reportedly strapped for cash, Miz Anderson's newly overhauled contemporary crib in the guard-gated and star-studded Colony enclave in Malibu (CA) unexpectedly popped up for rent on VRBO (Vacation Rental By Owner) at twenty grand a week or $75,000 a month with a dozen or so over-processed photographs.  The property was up for least again over the summer of 2012 at a much more reasonable but still pocketbook punishingly high $50,000 per month. We don't know if anyone actually leased the house but we're sure one or two of the children could probably enlighten Your Mama about that if they'd so choose.

When the middle-aged bombshell finally decided to sell her financial albatross in the Colony a month or so ago—that would be February 2013—she pushed it on the open market with a $7,750,000 price tag with but a few—ahem—artfully staged listing photographs. One showed a Golden Retriever lounging on a sun bed, another of a pair of over-sized pillows arranged just so on the roof deck and a third an inane tableau of perfume bottles and pink roses.

However, hunties, it appears that Miz Anderson's extraordinarily successful real estate agent has recently added a whole lotta much more customary photographs to the online listings for the teak-sided contemporary that has three bedrooms and three bathrooms in 2,752 square feet of modern splendor.

An intimate, gated courtyard planted with lavender bushes and olive trees leads to an extra wide pivoting glass door that, for all intents and purposes, opens directly into kitchen. The open concept lower floor, bisected by a muscular wood and steel floating staircase, has a media lounge area with wall-mounted flat-screen tee-vee and built-in surround sound system, a living room lounge with book shelf flanked fireplace and a galley style kitchen expensively equipped with slab stone counter tops, custom cabinetry and the sorts of high grade and extravagantly pricey commercial grade appliances that Make Your Mama swoon. Did y'all see the glass-fronted Sub-Zero? Refrigeration heaven as far as we're concerned. A wall of floor to ceiling glass windows disappear into the walls when opened and seamlessly join the compact interior spaces to the outdoor living spaces.

Up the floating staircase two family/guest bedrooms share a bathroom. The master suite with floor to ceiling wardrobe closets hidden behind matchbook pattern wood doors, a corner fireplace and an open-plan bathroom that Your Mama hates because, seriously, who wants to wake up looking at the sink/vanity and the goddamn bath tub, even if it is a stunningly sculptural, $14,000 Agape Spoon Bathtub? Anyhoo, like in the living area downstairs, a wall of windows slide back into the wall and exposes the room to the elements. The bedroom spills out to a large deck and second, exterior floating staircase that climbs up to a roomy roof deck. Now, naturally we love the roof terrace with its all around mountain and ocean views but it's a little inconvenient for the rood deck access to be through the master bedroom.

A couple more quirky details Your Mama thinks the children ought to take note of include: the flush mounted television in the sauna; the full-sized tepee set on a concrete plinth at the far end of the pool; the glimmering, disco-ball-like mirrored tiles on the wall in that aforementioned master bathroom; the direct view of Jerry Perenchio's private golf course from the upper level decks off the master bedroom; the rather interesting collection of artworks and coffee table books; and, finally, for the love of Pete,the ebony baby grand piano that someone for some inexplicable reason put on the covered porch off the main living space where the salt air can quickly corrode everything there is to corrode on a grand piano.

To be honest, children, we're not sure if Miz Anderson has been living up in this house in the Colony or not. The last we heard of her—which was ages ago, really—she was shacked up in a fancy trailer home in the Paradise Cove Mobile Home Park but we really don't know if she's still living there or no. Bueller? Anyone? Bueller?

listing photos: Coldwell Banker